I was Trapped and Life Sucked : 2012 wave #25

{catch the other posts at Riding The 2012 Wave}

At the time of my moving into that apartment,
the one where Dean was the mailman…
I was in my second relationship.
A failing 6 year one at that.
I was deeply in love with my man
and that was where it ended.
(you must be wrong, says ego)

Roy c/would not reciprocate.
We once had a good thing,
… my man and I…..
at least I thought we had.
(of course you got ‘a great thing’, encouraged ego)

As time crept on in our relationship,
Roy became less and less caring for me as a person
and put his loving attentions toward ‘others’.

I was actually glad when he would go away
and be gone for days.
He would just pack his bags and leave,
not saying goodbye or where he would be.

I obediently stayed home,
taking care of our 2 preschool kids,
doing the house chores.
‘I made my bed, now I must lay in it’!
I was the good little wifey….
‘being seen and not heard’
…..not wanting to ‘rock the boat’.
(just as you should, reminded ego)

And I was miserable.

  • I felt worthless.
  • Had no life.
  • No friends.
  • Ruined relationship.

What could I do?

  • I was stuck!
  • No family to turn to.
  • I could not afford a place of my own.
  • Any job I took, the pay would go towards daycare.
  • I was trapped!
  • There was no way out!
  • Life sucked!

hidden housephoto by ren

And I wallowed in my pity,
week after week, after months.
(poor you, ego whispers)
Then one night it happened,
something inside me took over
and I lost control.

I started crying.
Could not stop!
It was deep and gut wrenching.
(big baby, ego mutters)

I love my man so deeply.
What did I do wrong?
Why does Roy not love me?
My dream world is shattering.

I loved my man so much.
{notice I changed from love to loved}
My heart is breaking from the loss of the man I loved.
It hurts so bad.
How could I have loved someone this deeply,
when they are unwilling to receive it?
Why am I wasting my life on one man?
It is obvious,
I am Roy’s door stop,
not his love.
(no, no… stop! ego is frantic)

And I cried on into the night……
…….as I let ‘the man of my dreams’
fade away from my heart.

When I stopped sobbing,
I felt different.

100_1629.JPG
photo by ren

I felt as if I had released many dark clouds.
My heart no longer ‘yearned’ for ‘him’.
(you love, need and want your man, ego insisted)

Him?”
…. not ‘my man’?
I believe I broke the spell!
… and I fell asleep from exhaustion.
(your man, your man, your man, chanted ego
don’t let your man go……)

To be continued,
ren

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