Self-conversation of The Closet Syndrome; part one of one

orange yellw - 1

I had a conversation with Self today.
It went something like this:

ren:
It is happening again!
Just like last month (which was my first month).
Three weeks into blogging and I hit the same road block.
I become apprehensive to write and start to pull away.

I remain active in the community,
I love reading other people’s creations and interacting.

what to do
What am I going to do?

Self:
Do you lack material to write about?

ren:
No – not at all. I have all kinds of experiences to share.

Self:
Are you focused on what you want to write about?

ren:
Yes and No.
When I get ‘on topic’, I write from my heart and everything flows.
I feel great about the end product.

Then the ‘no’ part comes in.
I am not focused on what I truly yearn to blog about.
I am holding back. That makes my heart sad.
My heart has become the guide within my world,
not my brain.

Science is showing us,
how the heart actually tells the brain (and body) what to do,
not the other way around.
We have had it backwards.
Some scientists are calling the heart “a little brain“.

Self:
Whoa girl!  Take a breath.
You do not lack material.
I see what you mean, when you are ‘on topic’,
you are focused and things flow.
Plus, you shine brighter, I might add.

ren:
Thanx! I feel brighter too!
My heart is singing.
I am grinning and feeling grateful for EVERYTHING.
I LOVE feeling that way.
That is partly what living from my heart is about!
When my heart is happy, I am happy.

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Self:
Okay, let me ask you this, is it FEAR?

ren:
….. maybe …

Self:
Maybe?
I will take that as a Yes!
FEAR of what?

ren:
(readers)

Self:
What? Speak up.
This is Self you are talking to.

ren:
readers… Readers!
I am afraid of the readers.
You sure can piss me off sometimes, Self!

Self:
It’s my job to keep you honest!
Get pissed if you want.
That is your choice!

You are afraid of your community?
The community you have been creating from your heart?
Is that correct?

ren:
No …yes …I mean no!
Okay Self – the thing is,
I came to the blog world to find a home where I could speak freely.
To be open and honest with what has been going on in my world.

I do not speak openly with my friends about my life choices.

Self:
Why not?
They are your friends!
You have a beautiful relationship with all of them.

ren:
It’s not that I do NOT talk to them about my choices in life.
I have, on several occasions.

They do not get it.
They are not of the same ‘vibration’.
My words are like a foreign language to them.

Over time,
I chose to not talk about my beliefs with them.
I simply went forth in my life,
listening to my heart for guidance.
Loving them along the way,
being friends.

In that process,
my journey is a lonely one.
I have no one to share my experiences with.

Even when I share with friends who ‘might’ get it
…. they just ‘don’t get it’.
It took me a while to figure it out,
and I have come to understand,
that is okay.
They are where they need to be in their own world.
As I am,
within my own world.

Yet I still wish to express my life experiences,
looking to connect with others.
What better way,
than to blog?
Such freedom in it.

So I faced my FEAR of
not knowing how to blog
and started blogging.

Here I am…
and I am stuck!
Again!

orange yellw - 3

Self:
Uh Huh…. Oh, Hey!
Did you see that magnificent sunset last night?

ren:
Oh yes, it was fantastic!
A few hours later, that huge storm rolled in.  I love sleeping to the sound of rain.

Self:
Yes – rain can be very soothing.
Speaking of soothing….
are you ready to face that next fear of yours?  Your ‘readers’, as you call it.

ren:
Yes, I am ready to ‘come out of the closet’ as they say,
and share more of my experiences.
Those who care not to read them,
won’t.
Those who do,
will.
How simple.

Thanx, Self,
for distracting me with the weather,
so I could let go
and allow in,
my own resolve.

Self:
No problem kid, anytime.

ren:
Kid?
Aren’t we the same age, Self?

orange yellw
the complete picture
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2 comments

  1. Being new myself, and not wanting to write ‘too much stuff’ especially if some of my experience was not full of unicorns and rainbows….I get it! Keep writing. Write only what you feel you want to share or write about. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!

    Liked by 1 person

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